2003-05-20 at 9:30 p.m.
I'm not over him. We talked today after school. He was at my locker, and he told me "You told me we had to talk, so here I am. Talk."
"Let's meet at your car" I replied. I put my books in my locker and slowly walked down to his normal parking spot. He was there. "Listen Mike. I'm sorry about yesterday at lunch. I was in a weird mood." He looked at me. I felt bold and went on. "I don't know all the reasons I broke up with you. All I know is that I hurt and that you were a part of my life and I felt as if a part of me died. Maybe it did. But I do know that you have to follow your dream without me holding you back, and I think tha's why God allowed it to happen like that." I burst out crying, and I don't know why. Hormones probably. He looked at me and then he got in the car and motioned for me to get in too. I knew my parents wouldn't care. I had my cell if they needed me. He drove me to the lake where we got out of the truck and sat on the dock. The drive was in silence but on the dock, he opened up.
"Kenni, it took me a while to understand why you said and did what you did. I admit I hurt too, but I read God's word and prayed like crazy asking if I could only have you back in my arms, in my life, as my girlfriend, my true love, and all that entered my head was 'Wait.' That made me mad! I knew it was you I was going to marry, so why did I have to wait? I argued with God over why I couldn't have you... Why I wanted you. Tha's all he ever told me. 'Wait.' So I did. Then you told me we had to talk. So I prayed about it. I prayed about my anger and jealousy too, because when I saw you having fun with Max and Josh, I thought you didn't hurt anymore, and that ate me up inside. But God kept telling me to wait. And I did. I hate waiting! You know, I'm going to Europe, right? God already told me that is where He wants me. I want to go to Europe though with you here waiting for me and still as my girlfriend. We'll see each other again, and I might just be over there for a semester. I prayed about it and God told me to go, but He didn't give me the comfort of knowing how long I'd be there. I'll have a computer, and I will write. Will you do this for me?" He looked longingly into my eyes. I prayed for the answer. I wanted to say yes, but that actually happening?
God, speak through me, I prayed. "No, Mike. You need to do this without me there, otherwise I'll just be holding you back. I'm sorry."
Then we left the dock, he drove me home, and I've been crying ever since. I hate this.
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