2003-06-26 at 4:57 p.m.
Mike came by again today. We went to the movie store to rent a video. We couldn't find one we really liked but we got Pearl Harbor. I almost protested, but I decided it wasn't worth it. I hadn't seen it, although at times, I wanted too. He started kissing me again. I pulled away. "Mike, listen. I can't do this. I love you and I want to be your girlfriend, but as long as you watch a movie just to kiss me, it's not worth it." He looked shocked. I was too. I don't usually speak my mind in such a fashion.
"So, what do want to do? Break up?" He looked at me cooly.
"No, but I think we need some guidelines, or I will break up with you again, and I can't guarantee I'll ever go out with you after that!" I felt angered. I didn't want to loose him again.
"What kind of guidelines?"
"For starters, how about never being alone in a house or in a room. I don't trust myself with you anymore, and I don't want another Zeth encounter, or anything close to it. I want to remain pure. Also, how about limiting our kisses. We did so well last fall, but now, we're out of hand. And if we go out somewhere, we go where there are more people than just us." I looked at him hoping he'd get my drift.
"Ok," he said. "I guess that can work."
"Then I need to go, since your dad is at work. It's only us in this house!" I stood up and started walking toward the parlor and out the door.
"But I like it just being us." He came to where I was standing, looking down into my eyes, and I got lost in his. His head started leaning toward mine, and he planted another kiss on my lips. I felt paralyzed, useless, and dirty. He started putting his hands lower on my back, and down to my butt, and he held me like that, in that kiss, for a long time. He started to pull me closer and walk me back toward the couch, and I admit, I did so willingly. He stopped long enough to sit down, and I stayed standing.
"This isn't working, Mike."
"I'm sorry, Kenni."
"What happened to you? You used to be on fire for God and you used to want to be pure! But now?" I started tearing up and my voice grew stronger. "Are you trying to get me to sleep with you? Are you trying to compromise my standards? DO YOU REALLY TRULY LOVE ME?" I stormed out of the den and out of the parlor, and out of the house and started running, even though I was wearing jeans and flipflops. My house was a mile or so away, and I'd be home in minutes if I kept running. I slowed down to a walk because I hadn't run that far in a long time. So I walked. And I started to cry. I didn't want my relationship with Mike to end again, but it looks like I may have no other choice. I stuck in Generations when I got home because I needed to cry. I fastforwarded to when the captains come out of the Nexus and are fighting Soran, and then Kirk dies (again) and I cried. I needed to. Then I went to my room and fell asleep, and I'm awake again, barely and typing this. I told Sandy to tell Mike I wasn't home, since she's the only other person home.