2004-02-08 at 9:47 p.m.
One of my friends convinced me to go to D-Now this year. I don't know why I said I'd go. I'm practically broke since I don't have enough time to work for any decent money, so I wasn't able to pay, but my friend told me it was no problem, she'd pay my way. I told her I didn't know where my Bible was, and she said she'd let me have one of hers. Basically, every reason I said I couldn't go, she said I could. I'd stopped going to church because they seemed to hate me, but my friend said that her church was different, that people wore ordinary street clothes, and I thought "I ought to give it a try." So I went. And I had a blast. My house was a bunch of girls and the leader dressed like I did! I was so amazed that a CHRISTIAN would wear dark clothes! Friday night, we talked about the weirdest stuff, and then last night, I knew God was calling me to be different, and I knew that Josef was not a part of His plan. I called him this afternoon asking if he'd meet me at the ice cream parlour, and he said he would. I got over there and ordered myself a snowball, which is a scoop of Ice Cream and a shot of espresso. I started to pray, which was a first in a while. Then I saw him, and my heart started to pound. I loved him, but I knew that I could not continue to go out with him when God had someone better for me. "Joe, I need to talk to you." I paused and swallowed hard. "We need to break up, and before you go blaming yourself for doing something wrong, I need to tell you that I have loved you and I still do, but right now, I don't need a boyfriend." Tears began to roll down my cheek.
"I understand, Kenni. You seemed to be distancing yourself from me and I didn't like that, but now I realize that you need your independence to continue with your band. Nameless needs you, Kenni, like you are right now." He looked sad and relieved, like I felt. "Besides, I met someone that makes me feel whole." I knew it. He was in love with Katie. "And I need to spend time with Him in order to get myself back together." What? Did he just go gay on me??? "You helped me see that I needed Him, Kenni. If it weren't for you I'd never have met Jesus." Even in the dark days of my life, Jesus worked in me. "Thank you, Kenni."
Now it's on to telling my parents that I'm sorry. That's the next step in following Christ. I really don't want to, but I hate begging money and stuff off of friends. SO now, here I am, broken... Again. I think that will be the name of my new song that I'll give to Nameless in our next practice.
Anyways, I'm so tired because we got to talking about guys last night, and then tha's when I realized God wanted me single for now. But tomorrow I'm scared that I won't know what to do with out a boyfriend!