2005-05-30 at 10:42 p.m.
I just got off the phone with sandy. "Kenni, tell me it isn't true!"
"What isn't true?"
"About friday, tell me you didn't get drunk." She sounded earnest. I guess she was babysitting or something cus Matt was doing baby noises and i heard cooing.
i paused. "i... can't say it's not true, because it is true. I did get drunk. How'd you find out anyway?"
'I read your journal online." *sigh* i knew eventually it'd happen. "Don't worry though, Kenni, I don't think mom and dad know, and I won't tell them."
I sat there just listening. "Kenni, I'm disappointed, but you wanna know something? I did it too. when i was your age, well, actually younger... At my senior prom... well, after. I told mom and dad i was going to stay with Jayce after prom because we were going together and i didn't want them to stay up worried about me. But I knew that Jayce's parents had bought alcohol, and i wanted to try it so that was the reason i did. I regret my choices, but to be honest, that was the most fun i had in high school." I sat there, shocked. My sister, my goody two shoe sister, got drunk!!
"So, wha's up with you and Mike anyway?" She asked me.
Memories flooded past me as i thought about all the thoughts i'd had in the past fortyeight hours about him and how i didn't want to date him again. "I don't know. I need to talk to him when he's alone, but every time i see him he's with a bunch of people. I can't get him by himself. Today, i was taking the drag because I needed to think and he was out with a car full of people and they ALL flipped me off. I'm so hurt and confused."
"Kenni..." my sister said, almost cautiously, "Its ok to be hurt and confused, but you need to forgive yourself. We aren't saints. We aren't perfect. Let it go, Kenni Marie. Let it go."
I wanted to start crying. I'd totally just messed up. I got drunk and regretted it. and then she comes in with this "forgive yourself." But i don't know how. I don't know how to get past all this hurt that i feel. I don't know how to unconfuzzle myself. I just want to be free from all this shit that i got myself into. I want to be free from being "miss perfect" even though i proved myself wrong in that before. My parents still have a curfew for me. I don't think they want a repeat of last year... but i don't know that holding me here is doing anything for me.
Sheesh... let me live a little....