2004-01-05 at 5:44 p.m.
So life is different now. Josef asked me out, and gladly I said yes. This, of course, happened two weeks ago. I don't know if it will last.
Like I said in my last entry, my parents seem to focus more on Sandy than they do me. I don't care. I died my brown hair black, wear a lot of dark clothes, and me and a group of girls started a band which we call "Nameless". Seeing as my parents don't care, I'm always at someone's house practicing. My parental units (because they have become impersonal towards me and focus mainly on their "perfect" older daughter, Sandy) could care less, as long as I have my cell phone with me. I used to have the good life, and then Sandy fell in love. And I became nameless, like our band. I'm sure the parental units go to parties and hardly think of me as they tell everyone they meet of Miss Perfect, soon to be Mrs. Perfect. I went to a party with Josef on Saturday, right? My parents thought I went to Stacie's, which I did... at about three a.m.... she went to the party too. Anyways, I went with Josef, wearing Michele's red/black plaid mini skirt, this cut black shirt, black fish net hose, and some big "clunky" boots. Not exactly the most modest of choices, but since my parents became involved with Sandy's life and leave me out, I had to do something to gain their attention. Even if it was yelling from my dad, saying to put some clothes on (I put on a pair of sweats, only to take them off at Stacie's where Josef met me. I don't let my 'rents know we're going out.) So I went to this party at the lake at the lead singer of Dizkord's home. Booze was everywhere. To actually get a coke, you had to have bought one and brought it with you. So I went with Joe (who doesn't drink... normally) and hung out on the hammock star gazing, wondering about the stars and then he reached over and kissed me, and I kissed back. We kept kissing, only taking a break to breathe and drink some wine coolers that our friend's brought over. We didn't drive, mind you. Stacie's mom took us, and back to their house we'd return... Anyways, this guy from Dizkord gives us a key to a room in the house where he told us to "take care of business." But I told him no. I looked at Josef and told him "Hey, I, uh... I don't wanna end up like Sarah, with a kid and all..." and he's like "we'll play it safe!" And then I looked at him. Quietly I said, "Even the 'safeties' fail." He looked into my eyes, and I almost melted and gave into him, but I still stood firm. Josef gave the guy back the key, and we sat there just talking. Pretty soon, Stace comes over and tells us her mom's here. So Joe and I leave the hammock, his hand is on my lower back, and mine is in his other hand, quite comfortably. And we go to Stace's house. Joe is asleep on the couch and me and stace go up to her room where we talk, and eventually drop dead from sleep.
I never thought I'd say this again, but Joe seriously loves me, and I love him. But I'm still lost. I don't know who I am any more. Ever since this whole wedding thing started happening, I became less like I was, and more like I am now. What happened to that old Kenni who was happy and loved God?? Where did she go? Will she ever return?? I don't know. But I do know that whatever happens, something or Someone is watching me. But will He catch me when I let go of this thing I call my life, my rebellion? I certainly hope so.